Friends,

So I havent kept up with posting, Meh. I havent felt well and have been very blah lately. I come to the computer, sit down and have no motivation to do anything. I log into sm and try to xp, which lasts for about 10-15 minutes before i get sick of it so I sit around and talk, or just wander. Thats how my life feels now, just wandering forward, no direction, little hope, and no fun. I need/want a second job and have really been trying to avoid one workplace, but it seems I will have to grab a pt job there, cause money rules over all right!?! 

Being lonely sucks, its been taking its toll on me. I have been wanting to call frinds, friends that I know have been trying to get in contact with me through my family, but I just feel I will drag em down. I have no money to go out places, and have to be in work early on work days. Most of my friends work days, and I work nights so it makes it hard. Then there is the whole other lonliness. As everyday passes and I see more and more couples pass through my work I yearn for what I once had and they now have. Someone to share my time with. However I am not a club/bar/trendy place kinda person. The kind of girl I would wanna date is most likely one I would meet at a concert, or by going to those local rock shows a lot. That requires money and transportation, something serious lacking. So yeah I am in a rut.

I ran into an old friend the other day. He brought up our old plan to start a band again. I had declined the last time because I was with Kelly and knew she wouldnt approve, prolly a dumb move, but I did a lot of dumb things when I was with her. We chatted about it and he left saying he would call me sometime. I guess that means I should try to write some songs again just in case.

Some good news . . . The warped tour is celebrating their 10th anniversary   and where are the anniversary shows . .  BOSTON. Some of my fav bands will be here so I am pretty psyched. One of my fav punk bands came around 2 years ago, but ran out of gas half way through show, so the singer did the rest of the set accoustic(which is really odd sounding). But they will be back for this tour.

Another long post, but do you honestly expect anything else from me?? I have one question for anyone that actually reads. I will leave my answer to this question in my next post.

What do you define love as, what does it mean to you?

Chris

Friends,

     Yes I know I got lazy aain, but I have found a new motivation to right, something very important to me. If ya don't wanna read a big long sappy entry then stop now.

     I have written about her before. But I dont hink I have ever been able to express her to everyone. These are feelings I can't keep inside, so I am going to put it on paper(so to speak), but also in a place where other people can read about my happiness, or comment on it, or whatever.

     The reality is that I am not a happy person. Depressed, (I know like everyone else you say) I live an everyday humdrum. Well I did. The fact is there is one thing in my life that fixes that, yet it isnt in my life. I want you to tell me how powerful you think a person is when obscene amounts of remote things makes you think of them, and everytime you think of them no matter what you are instantly hapy. This person you havent had physical contact with in years, only seen each other a hand ful of times in the past 4 years. Yet on a daily basis this person makes you happy, happier than you have ever been.

     For me that is priscilla, or as I still call here . . cilla. She is my guiding light. My first love and I think my only true love. I have opened up to her many times in the past couple years. But the thing is I hurt her years ago when I walked away from us. To me I feel she has built a wall around her. SHe keeps me out, or her feelings in, however you want to look at it. Yet no matter how much I have failed, no matter ho wbleak to me it is, there is no stoppping it. I will never forget about her, or what she means to me. I know she still cares about me deeply, why else would she still have a gift I gave to her 7 years ago on her bed, a gift that I know she resorts to when times get rough, when she is down, It is a piece of me that is there for her. No matter all the dead ends that have shown themselves since my failed attempts to reestablish an "us" I think about her daily, hourly. Everyminute detail in my life I can associate with her.

     Last night for example. We had all the bosses working overnight to switch the store over to easter, So I was working 150% trying to impress and show them how I work. By the end of the night I was burned out physically and mentally. I was wandering the store cleaning it up and making it look good when a song came on. Now most of these songs I just bllock out cause i cant stand them, but this sone instantly made me tink of her, it was jewel, and there are a few reasons why. First of all I used to listen to jewel when we first met and were falling for each other. Second I still say her best friend melissa looks exactly like jewel. And third the lines of the song to me perfectly fit what i think of us"You were meant for me   And I was meant for you." This instantly took my beaten up body and made it all better. I was on top of the world, the flame inside me lit up.

     I would like to think of her as a candle in my hheart, but she isnt. It is more like a bonfire. She is the warmth that gives me the willpower to move on through life. Even if tomorrow I was told by god that the two of us will never be an item, it wouldnt change a thing, I love her more than anything, and she will always make me happy. They say you measure your life by who you surround yourself with. Well I could surround myself with just her, and I would consider that the perfect life. When I die, I will die happy, because I know I knew the love of the perfect person. I cant ask for more, wouldnt ask for more.

     So thats it for today, I will right more about her tomorrow, and the day after, maybe even tonight when I wake up. I have thought about her everyday for th epast 7 years. I wake up with her on my mind almost everyday. I go to sleep smiling to the image of her face  burned in my memory. I am a better person for knowing and loving her. I would die for her, but I would much rather live my life with her.

Me

ps sorry about the length and rambling, but thats what she does to me, I know I could write for another hour.

Allo

Ok I havent posted in awhile, But I have decided to start posting every other day, with updates, rantings and some prose. Just a quick upate for those I dont talk to one on one, my christmas went much better than I expected, and better than normal, Lots of hours and overtime pay at work has made the start of the new year bearable, but now a cut in hours has me searching for a second job. I have also tried to seriously go back and start working on my writing and get that screenplay finished, lots of good ideas have flooded in recently. If you all want to help just leave some inspiration and motivation here in the comments, maybe even some begging for samples will get ya some tastes. ;)~. But anyways I am back in the xanga universe and may even get a paid account soon. Thanks for reading, and when I get some real content up here please refer friends.

Chris aka Darwyn/Cyrian

This song is currently one of my favoites to listen too. Maybe cause it so closey reflects how my life is at the moment and how i feel inside???

Another day, another dollar, another bill collecting caller.

Disillusioned, let down, cause all my heroes are junkies now.

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same, another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed. I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right, hard pressed to make it better, and I got no will to fight.

26 and I'm flat broke, I've been down so long I have given up hope.

Shattered nerves anxiety, theres so much more that I wanted to be.

 I often wonder what went wrong, but I can't remember, it's been too long.

Think out loud things I want to change, but I know I never will I'm gonna stay this way.

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same, another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed. I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right, hard pressed to make it better, and I got no will to fight

Is this my great reward, servitude and solitude, a lifetime of chances I have blown

I woulda coulda shoulda been so much more than I really am, and it's nobody else's fault but my own.

Another day, another dollar, another bill collecting caller. Disillusioned, let down, cause all my heroes are junkies now

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same, another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed. I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right, hard pressed to make it better, and I got no will to fight

Zero Down "Down this road"

The real me

Well things have been getting worse and worse for me and i figured i would post here to a) hopefully maybe feel a little better writing it out, and b) maybe get feedback with help(although i have suffered for so long i think i have heard every piece of advise there is)

Well I suffer from depression, pretty bad too. The thing is i won't go see someone for it. I dunno why i juts dont trust shrinks. I have suffered for as long as I can remember. But i put on an act. Most people who know me will say i am the happy guy, the funny guy the always with a smile and a joke guy. But i do that to hide from everyone else what is really bothering me. I live by the quote live a happy life cause you only get one. But i just cant physically be happy. I am always down, worn out, and just lacking the will to do anything. I sit in my room wanting to do so much but i just cant get up and do it.

I have found myself on sm lately not to have fun not to converse but because lately it is honestly better than real life. Thats when i say whoa something is friggan wrong.   and even there i put on my little happy act.

What is worseis I know what i need and I just dont have the desire to try and get one. The only timeI can remember being genuinly happy and having fun was when I met Kelly. I was happy for the first time with ehr. It lasted pretty much till my dad died, that was a blow i dont think i've fully recovered from and it was 3 years ago. I don't need her persay but I need a partner,a girlfriend, someone to share my time with that I can have fun with that i can learn to enjoy life with again. I need that spark of life again.

But it is a rare gem when I find someone with that spark, with that fun personality and when I do, they are usually happily taken.

So i sit here, alone, depressed and looking to sm to ease my pain, but it is only makin git worse. I need help, but I dont know where to turn. So this is another last resort, my plea for help, me begging to be happy again.  Im sick of acting, Im sick of the nightmares, Im sick of being alone, Im just sick of it all at the moment.

help